Dear Diary
by imcrazyandiknowit
Summary: Blaine's life has never been easy, that much was obvious. But one book contains every thought from Blaine's life from Pre-Dalton to meeting Kurt to the break up. This is that book.


_Dear diary_

_I don't know why a diary seems to be a good outlet for the crap-ness of my life but I would rather confide my pain and fear in an inanimate object than have to tell someone. Not that I haven't told people, I tell them all the time. But my school isn't really sympathetic. At all._

_I'm gay. That's the problem with my life. I like boys and not girls. I thought this would be okay, but it wasn't. I came out 1 year 6 months, 3 weeks and 2 days ago. I know as it was the first time a fist has ever been thrown at my chest. That sort of thing tends to stick in your head, burned there._

_I thought that it was a good time to come out, homosexual rights were becoming more noticed and some places in the world have started gay marriage rights! But not Ohio. They didn't take it that well._

_I wasn't exactly popular before I came out, I had a few friends but I was invisible, I would only be visible on stage, where my heart lies besides with a boy. People liked me, they would cheer and some girls would throw me their phone numbers which I would always pick up and discreetly throw away._

_As soon as the words came from my mouth, those dreaded words now that I look back on them. Hindsight is a horrible thing but sometimes we must all use it. My small group of friends dwindled to 1, who understood while everyone else joined in with the taunts and fist flinging._

_There is one boy, Derek Maguire. He's a jock and being gay pisses him off apparently. As soon as he heard he came to my locker and shoved me into it, leaving a giant bruise across my back. He shouted words at me that I won't repeat, they are horrible. Mean words for gays as well as insults in general._

_He didn't tell me to die until 1 month 1 week and 3 days ago; he spat it at me while his buddies kicked me. Then the next day the words appeared on my locker and every desk I sat at. It used to hurt but now it's more a numb feeling I get, like my heart is ice and nothing can thaw it until I break down._

_That usually happens after school, I let myself cry on the half hour long walk back to my house, after the bullies have got at me and gotten out their gay hating on me of course. I let the tears fall from my eyes and the pain to affect me until I reach my home, then it's an expressionless face for the short walk to my room._

_Remember I spoke about having 1 friend. He's called Greg, he's gay too. He was already out and I used to talk to him sometimes in Glee club. I liked Glee club until during one performance we got tomatoes thrown at us so I was "Asked to leave". Basically I was kicked out so the rest of the group could be popular. Greg left Glee club when I did, catching up with me and we became friends. We share the pain with each other sometimes; he's the only human I can talk to._

_Not my Mom or Dad, that's for sure. They don't exactly talk to me anymore. The news spread to them through their work college's children who torment me. They were not happy. They are very right wing so the idea of a gay son was horrible. They tried re-baptising me, but that didn't work. They quoted bible phrases at me, they even tried to buy my gayness out of me._

_So when I get home, I stay in my room. Sometimes Mom might give me some leftovers from the main dinner if Dad is busy building more cars. He made me do it once but it was only to try and make me straight. I stay in my room and I sing. I can no longer do it at Glee club so I do it at home. I sing a mixture of everything, from show tunes to sad songs that reflect my mood._

_I've started to get dark thoughts, like echoes of the bullies. Like they have climbed inside my head and have rooted the idea of ending it all. I can hear the voice, he calls himself the Darkness. I think it's a little overdramatic but I can't really argue with the voice inside my head can I? He whispers to me all the time, though on a really bad day he gets really loud, almost shouting._

_He says things like I should just end everything and that my family would be much happier without me. I know he's telling the truth apart from one member of my family, Cooper. He still likes me, he sneaks me food from the table while he tells Mom and Dad about his latest roll in the latest production at school. He says he doesn't care about me being gay and I feel slightly better before the Darkness comes back._

Blaine put down the pen, staring at the lines of text he had just written. He actually felt better, not so good as to tell his parents about the Darkness, but better than before. He closed the small leather bound notebook carefully, tying the small leather ribbon around it. Cooper had bought it for Blaine as a birthday present. His parents got him some clothes; they left them at the door and didn't come in.

Blaine stood up and stretched, grabbing the edge of his mattress to put the notebook under it. No-one would look there; his Mother never cleaned his bedding anymore so he would end up doing it. He wandered into his en-suite bathroom, staring at himself in the mirror.

A black bruise was growing around his right eye and spreading down his cheek, turning a dark shade of purple. His eyes which he had been told before used to sparkle, not as much as when he was on stage, but they used to shine. On the bridge of his nose was a small cut, older than the bruise but newer than the fading hand shaped marks on his neck.

"You deserve this all you know" the Darkness whispered, causing Blaine to stare into the mirror. He could sometimes see the Darkness, though he would take forms. He had been his Mother, his Father and even Greg but he always had the same voice, a gravelly version of Blaine's. This time he was his father, one of his favourites.

Blaine gave a soft nod, eyes pulling away from his own reflection and to his shoes which had a few holes in from wear and tear. His trousers were ripped for a different reason, rolling down a hill onto gravel can do that to a person's clothing.

"I know" he mumbled, heading back into his room and flopping on the bed. A piece of paper dug into his face so he picked it up, seeing the brochure for Dalton. It looked like paradise and he knew how to get there. Plus he could easily convince his parents, just tell them that it meant he wasn't in the house and that he would be out of their hair.

He wanted to go there simply for the zero tolerance harassment rules. No one would be allowed to hurt him and as cowardly as it sounded, it sounded safer. Who knew what could happen next, what Derek would do to him. What if he followed through with his promise? His promise to kill Blaine the next time he saw him. Blaine had been skipping school for the last week and a half though his parents didn't care and frankly neither did the school.

He just hoped his parents wanted rid of him so much to say yes to Dalton.


End file.
